Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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