Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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