we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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