I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
