Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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