All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
