Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
why do cheetos always look like penises
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
