just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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