I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
