so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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