No stitches, just platelets and will power
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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