You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
