Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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