theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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