it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
