the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
