btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
