my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
