You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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