Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
