I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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