you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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