i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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