A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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