I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
