well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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