I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
