I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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