My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Come see our sink grown plant.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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