in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
