Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
