I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
