I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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