Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
