so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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