my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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