Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
