Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
