I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I love you. Go after that dick
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
