Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
