it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
