I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
