Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
