my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
