the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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