I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
