just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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