I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
