I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She told me I should be a condom model.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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