we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
