Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
